The Kind of Woman I Want to Become

Sometimes I wonder if I'm spending too much time thinking about the future.

Not because I'm trying to plan it.

Because I'm trying to survive it before it even arrives.

I've noticed that my mind has a habit of running ahead of my life.

It invents conversations that never happen.

It answers questions no one has asked.

It imagines endings to stories that are still being written.

Sometimes they're beautiful endings.

Sometimes they're tragic.

Most of the time...

they're simply not real.

I've always thought my biggest struggle was impatience.

I don't think that's true anymore.

I think my struggle is control.

That realization was strangely humbling.

Control doesn't always look like manipulation.

Sometimes it looks like overthinking.

Like endlessly rehearsing conversations.

Like trying to predict every possible outcome so nothing catches me off guard.

As if somehow enough thinking could protect me from suffering.

It can't.

Life has already proven that.

One phone call can change everything.

One diagnosis.

One betrayal.

One unexpected grace.

No amount of preparation can eliminate vulnerability.

Only trust can carry it.

I've started asking myself a different question lately.

Not...

"What do I hope will happen?"

But...

"Who do I hope to become?"

Those questions lead to very different lives.

I don't actually know what my future looks like.

I don't know who will remain.

Who will leave.

Who will return.

I don't know whether some of my prayers will be answered exactly as I hope.

Or whether God is quietly preparing something I haven't even imagined.

But I do know this.

I want to become a woman whose peace isn't dependent on having answers.

I want to become the kind of woman who doesn't need to control every outcome in order to remain faithful.

The kind of woman who can love deeply without clinging.

Who can grieve honestly without becoming bitter.

Who can hope without demanding certainty.

Who can be corrected without becoming defensive.

Who can wait without putting her life on pause.

Who can forgive without pretending nothing happened.

Who can laugh easily.

Who notices sunsets.

Who enjoys long walks.

Who thanks God for ordinary Tuesdays.

Who reads good books.

Who isn't constantly rushing toward the next chapter.

I want to become the kind of woman who trusts God enough to enjoy the page she's currently living.

Maybe holiness looks much quieter than I imagined.

Maybe it looks like making breakfast.

Calling my parents.

Playing with my son on the floor.

Going to confession.

Doing my work well.

Praying before bed.

Sleeping peacefully.

And doing it all again tomorrow.

I don't think sanctity is found in extraordinary moments nearly as often as it is found in ordinary faithfulness.

If one day I become that woman...

I don't think it will be because I finally got everything I wanted.

I think it will be because I finally learned that God was enough while I waited.

And maybe...

that's the woman I've been asking Him to create all along.

💜