I Think I'm Chasing Different Things Now

It's funny how quietly our desires change.

No one announces it.

There's no dramatic moment where you wake up and realize you're a different person.

It happens little by little, almost without noticing. One day you catch yourself praying for something completely different than you would've prayed for a year ago, and that's when you realize your heart has been changing while you were busy looking somewhere else.

I used to spend a lot of time thinking about what I wanted my life to look like. I wanted a beautiful marriage. A peaceful home. Meaningful work. Stability. I wanted to build something that reflected God's goodness, and I don't think there was anything wrong with those desires.

But somewhere along the way, those desires became heavier than they were meant to be. I started believing that if I could just have the right circumstances, then I would finally become the woman I wanted to be.

Now I think I had it backwards.

Circumstances don't make a person holy.

They reveal them.

I've noticed that I pray differently now. I still ask God for things. I still bring Him my hopes, my fears, and the questions I don't know how to answer. But more and more, I find myself asking for virtues instead of outcomes.

Lord, make me patient.

Teach me humility.

Help me become truthful.

Help me become gentle.

Teach me how to trust You.

Those prayers feel strangely peaceful.

Not because they're easier.

Because no one can take them away from me.

I've realized that people can disappoint me.

Plans can change.

Dreams can fall apart.

The future can remain uncertain for far longer than I would've chosen.

But if God teaches me to become more loving...

No one can steal that.

If He teaches me humility...

No one can take that from me.

If He teaches me to forgive...

That becomes part of who I am.

Maybe that's the only kind of treasure that really lasts.

Sometimes I wonder what people see when they look at me. Maybe they notice my work. Maybe they notice the way I dress. Maybe they notice my personality. Those things are fine, I suppose.

But I hope that one day what people notice most isn't anything external.

I hope they notice peace.

Not because I was born with it.

Because God patiently taught it to me.

I don't think I'm chasing the same things anymore.

Success still has its place.

Beauty still has its place.

Dreams still have their place.

But they no longer sit at the center of my heart.

God does.

And strangely...

everything else has started finding its proper place around Him.

Maybe that's what Jesus meant when He told us to seek first the Kingdom.

Not because He wanted to deprive us of everything else.

Because once the center is right...

everything else begins to make sense.

I still have a long way to go.

There are days when I fall back into old habits. Days when I worry too much or think too much or try to carry things that don't belong to me.

But those moments don't discourage me the way they used to.

They simply remind me to come back.

Back to prayer.

Back to the present.

Back to the quiet work God is doing inside me.

And if that's the direction my life continues moving...

I think I'll be just fine.

💜